Robin Harris woke up this morning and his baby had done left him. With little else to do, he set about compiling Eyeballkid’s A-Z guide to the Blues.

ALPHABETICAL GUIDE COMPILING BLUES

It seems that those in charge have decided that popular music as we knew it was getting too trendy and soft and that loud guitars were being scandalously under employed. As a result we are seeing a resurgence of rock music, chiefly based on punk and heavy metal because these are the last genres that anyone can remember as having the balls enough to motivate the yoof.

But in the process, some of the more enlightened have returned to the mother of contemporary music for inspiration. So, for those planning on making themselves present back stage at The White Stripes, or well known in the bars of Chicago, here is Eyeballkid’s guide to The Blues.

A is for The Allman Brothers – Late 70’s blues band based round two brothers, one of which (Greg) was married to Cher for five days. Immortalised on British TV thanks to their hit 'Jessica' which is used as the theme to Top Gear.

B is for B.B. King, Buddy Guy or Blind Dog Fulton – The first two are Chicago bluesmen widely respected for their individual guitar styles. The latter is an alias for Willy Brown, a mate of Robert Johnson and also the Mr Miyagi type character to Ralph Macchio’s fledgling blues guitarist in the movie 'Crossroads'.

C is for Crossroads – Where blues legend Robert Johnson is said to have sold his soul to the devil in return for being able to play the guitar better than anyone else in the history of recorded music. Fair enough, I hear you say, but you can’t trust the devil – oh no. It all turned out badly for Johnson and because the blues is a spiritual and superstitious music, this legend spawned hundreds of songs about similar soul selling shenanigans (as well as a Karate Kid formatted movie).

D is for Damn Right I’ve Got the Blues – An Album by Buddy Guy.

E is for Elmore James – “dusted his broom, to give his friends a chance. Not sure what that means but as most blues artists think quite highly of themselves it is probably safe to assume that Mr James was trying to be magnanimous. Or he was just a lousy lyricist.

F is for The Fiery Furnaces – The ones to watch in 2003. Freaky psychedelic folk blues from another sister/brother act.

G is for Guitars – Can’t play the blues properly without them. Fact. Bo Diddley had a square one, Jimi Hendrix set fire to his and B.B. King calls his Lucille. Whether they are cheap and bought from Argos or drool inducingly expensive ones from London’s Denmark Street, you have to have one and you also have to learn to play bar chords. Sorry, but that’s just the way it is.

H is for Hite, Bob – Mammoth front man of late 60’s peaceniks Canned Heat, regarded (in error) as one hit wonders, just because the only thing anyone can remember is ‘On the Road Again’ which Hite didn’t even sing on. Shame on everyone. This band was great. Playing mostly country, jug band blues (echoed by beardy-weirdies Kings of Leon), Canned Heat was named after the slang for Sterno, a solvent on which another forefather of blues, Tommy Johnson, died abusing. Risky business, the blues.

I is for Illinois – The state of America where you can find Chicago, home to the electric blues movement of the early 60’s and the city where the fictional characters Jake and Ellwood Blues (The Blues Brothers) drove a second hand police car through a shopping mall and completed the most expensive cinematic scene in history (not including stupidly expensive special effect jiggery-pokery).

J is for Jack White – Single handedly revived a stagnant blues scene by forming The White Stripes with his sister and writing some excellent punk-fused blues music. Somebody give this man a medal (a red and white swirly one).

K is for Kings of Leon – Band of brothers (and cousin) whose stylist was going for ‘Deliverance’. Keeping the current revival afloat with pretty authentic rural blues music about goodness only knows what ‘cos the lead singer sings like he’s drunk.

L is for Lee Hooker, John – Possibly the most respected of the Chicago bluesmen who built a career on sounding like a red Indian (“how, how, how, how”). Appeared on stage in full three-piece suit whatever the weather. When he died in 2001, everybody mourned.

M is for Muddy Waters – Another blues legend responsible for recording the song that named The Rolling Stones. Played the kind of music that most people would recognise as The Blues, i.e. the sort that begins “I woke up this morning”/ (Da Da Da Da Dum).

N is for Not many famous blues people had names that began with ‘N’.

O is for Or ‘O’.

P is for Patton, Charlie – hobo Blues legend from Massachusetts who wrote ‘Pony Blues’, proving that equestrians have feelings too.

Q is for Quite Right I’m feeling Slightly Melancholy – What Buddy Guy might have said if he was brought up in Surrey.

R is for Robert Johnson – For many, where it all began. The man who sold his soul to the devil in return for serious talent. Listen to the only album of his music (King of the Delta Blues) and you would be forgiven for thinking that there were two guitars. Everybody, really everybody, has covered at least one of the 17 tracks he recorded reportedly on his own with his back to the room because he was shy. Poisoned at the tender age of 21 by a jealous girlfriend, Johnson’s career was short, but extremely influential.

S is for Son House – Jack White’s (and Robert Johnson's) main influence and another artist from the Mississippi Delta. A mate of Charlie Patton’s. Had a career that lasted over 50 years.

T is for The Rolling Stones – Responsible for bringing R&B into mainstream British music. Recorded some cracking blues songs earlier in their career (Little Red Rooster, Gimme Shelter). Are recording some shockingly bad songs now in what is hopefully its twilight.

U is for Underused – Like Meg White’s Tom Toms for instance.

V is for Very well done for getting this far. I’m bored too.

W is for Willy Brown – A mate of Robert Johnson’s. Was probably very sad at his friend’s death but might have inherited a guitar.

X is for Xylophones – These rarely feature in blues music, presumably because they wouldn’t stand a battering during the solo.

Y is for The Yardbirds – One of the first bands that featured Eric ‘God’ Clapton (so named by an awe struck British student population back in the mid-60s who had never seen such prodigious talent on the guitar). Also boasted Jimmy Page and Jeff Beck. Played most of their gigs in short trousers.

Z is for Ze End.

So there you have it. Blues from where the layman sits. Just before you launch your blues career however, remember that all you need are three chords, a life of prolonged misery and a baby who just left you this morning.

Do say: “If it weren’t for bad luck, I’d have no luck at all’.
Don’t say: “No, Taj Mahal is a temple in India, stupid”.