A-Z OF SOFT ROCK

After the blues, the next musical genre to get thoroughly pumped for information by the interrogative Eyeballkid is the techni-coloured and coiffured world of big hair, tight lycra and bad music that still managed to amuse Roger Hadwen in his younger days…. Yes the Darkness are making it popular again so let’s (soft) rock!

A is for Aerosmith or AC/DC –Nothing to choose between these two heavyweights of the blurred line between soft rock and metal so they both get a mention. One has a singer who looks like Mick Jagger in drag (Mick Dragger?) and didn’t realise he was Liv Tyler’s dad, and the other has a guitarist who hops about in a sweaty school uniform (Britney does it much, much better). Aerosmith’s ‘Walk This Way’ and AC/DC’s ‘All Night Long’ are both quadruple ace and skill.

B is for Bon Jovi or The Blues –Biiiiig hair. That irritatingly catchy “uow, uow” beginning to Living On A Prayer. Little more than Garth Brooks mainstream country rockers these days. Also linking nicely back to our previous alphabetical guide, as all guitar based music stems from the Blues. In this case, my baby done left me but she’s forgotten her hairspray and curling tongs, I wonder how it will look on me. . .

C is for Canada –Never done anything of musical note, except been the setting for a few videos, I imagine. A friend of mine works with a ‘Canadian’ whose cousin is Steve Staunton, the footballer, apparently. Rubbish. Impressive number of antlered beasties though. And bears. Bears are cool.

D is for The Darkness or Def Leppard –The Darkness are very funny and very good and the reason I can get away with writing this whole article, except Mr Eyeball himself will probably change this bit cos he don’t like them, the grumpy old scrooge that he is. ‘Throwaway’ he calls ‘em – what about having fun eh? Eh? EH? That told him. Def Leppard were from Sheffield (play some more u’that’evvy metal lad) and had a one-armed drummer. Plucky. They also had lyrics like “Pour some sugar on me, in the name of love” and “I suppose a rock’s out of the question”, which elevates them to the level of comedy gods in my book

E is for Elongated guitar solos –A must. Preferably introduced in the song. The best example here would be ‘Wind of Change’ by Scorpions. “Let my balalaika sing what my guitar wants to say….”. It used to be a case of the faster the better (see Joe Satriani, Van Halen, Steve Vai) but when done well they, ah sod it, guitar solos are a bit wanky, but at least they aren’t drum solos, which you won’t find anywhere in soft ro… doh!

F IS FOR FENDER –a kind of guitar. Soft rockers tend to like funny shaped guitars. Very point ones with 53 strings and a turbo engine, preferably purple. They work best if they are purple, don’t ask me why but it’s definitely true.

G is for Guns N Roses –Now this lot were cool. Admit it. The beginning bit of the opening track ‘Welcome To The Jungle’ on debut album ‘Appetite For Destruction’ is one of those moments when you just know a great band has arrived. They looked the part, acted the part and fell apart erm, the part. Even when they went crap they were still good, though I’m probably alone in thinking ‘November Rain’ was quite good. It had a very funny video.

H is for Hanoi Rocks –Bizarre soft rock act from Scandinavia. Hanoi does indeed rock though so well done there.

I is for Idol, Billy –He of the curling lip and a handful of great songs. A Brit who conquered the States so he was much loved, despite being a Craig David sized twat. ‘White Wedding’ and ‘Rebel Yell’ are still heard today so he must have been doing something right. I think he fell off his motorbike a few times to stay in the news.

J is for Jon Bon Jovi –Quiet, unassuming modest man who wouldn’t dream of naming a band after himself. Much like Eddie Van Halen in this respect.

K is for Kings of Leon –Admired by Mr Eyeballkid and clearly not a patch on The Darkness. If those beards aren’t the gimmick of a novelty act then nothing is.

L is for Lord of the Rings –If Viggo Mortensen (Aragorn) isn’t in a soft-rock band in his spare time then I’ll eat one of Slash’s top hats.

M is for Marillion –Now this is where I really put my cool reputation on the line… Marillion were ace. Fish was a poet, visionary and fantastic front man. Everyone liked ‘Kayleigh’. Fact – no one in the world has listened to a Marillion record of any description for around ten years (yes - me included). This is even more surprising when you discover that they are still recording. This must mean that they don’t even listen to themselves. Weird.

N is for Nuno Thingummy –He had really girly hair, this one. None of the biiig stuff going on here but the sort of mane that you used to see getting tossed around by delicious young maidens on the Timotei ads. A bloke that used conditioner – distinctly dodgy. And he was in Extreme who ruled the soft-rock world very briefly in the early 90s with a number of chart-friendly wibbles. The one everyone remembers is ‘More Than Words’ which was acoustic-y and pretty and young axe-dudes everywhere thought that if they could only master how to play it then they would definitely get a girlfriend this time, nothing could go wrong, there is nothing about this plan that can go wrong…. Sigh.

O is for Ozzy Osbourne –Proof, if proof were needed, that there’s not much funnier than a baffled, swearing Brummie. He used to sing with heavy metal pioneers Black Sabbath in case anyone was wondering what made him famous in the first place.

P is for Poison –US soft rockers who were beautifully formulaic even down to having models for girlfriends who looked exactly like the band members. The song of theirs that you should all know was, altogether now, “Ev’ry rose has its thorn, Just like ev’ry night has its da-a-o-awn, Just like ev’ry cowboy sings a sad sad song, Ev’ry rose has its thorn”. Kind of sums life up, I think. Poetry!

Q is for Queen –Hugely talented, hugely varied, fascinating and brilliant back catalogue of the sublime and the ridiculous. People who say the Darkness are flash in the pan beware, this lot aren’t above milking it now, some 30 years after they first formed. I, however, am a fan, and believe Freddie Mercury was as great a musical genius as anyone you care to mention. The anti-fashion people’s band. There just aren’t enough around like them.

R is for Rainbow –A pink hippo and an undefinable orange gobshite with a zip for a mouth somehow combined to make the classic soft rock anthem, ‘Since You’ve Been Gone’, whilst simultaneously maintaining day jobs as children’s entertainers.

S is for Spangly –The type of outfit favoured by soft rockers generally. Ever wondered how things would be if Def Leppard had stood still on stage and dressed all in black whilst the Jesus and Mary Chain ponced about wearing sequined catsuits and enormous boots? Neither have I, until just then, obviously.

T is for Tommy Lee –Soft rock stalwarts Motley Crue featured this wife-battering tripod who made himself more famous than he deserved by shacking up with Pamela Anderson and then making sure a video of the two of them shagging got into the public domain. It almost makes Posh & Becks look ok. . .actually no.

U is for Ulrich –The Scando’s love their soft rock and loads of them change their name to Ulrich to sound hard. All true.

V is for Van Halen –Wibbly guitar solos a-go-go. If you want to play fast then play like Eddie Van Halen. His fingers moved so quickly over the strings that they had to replace the necks of his guitars mid-solo cos they got so worn. Ironic then, that the band’s best song, ‘Jump’ was characterised by an impossibly catchy keyboard riff. The fools.

W is for Whitesnake –Ha ha, tee hee, god they’re funny. They don’t even realise it! “Here I go again on my own” (go where mate?), “Going down the only road I’ve ever known” (try a different one then, treat yourself), “Like a drifter I was born to walk alone” (ah, cheer up fella!), Perfectly ridiculous but fun to sing along too if you’re more drunk than you should be.

X is for Xylophones –They don’t feature much in metal and soft rock cos you can’t plug them in and turn them up to eleven.

Y is for Youth –Not a demographic that appreciates the genre. Can’t blame them really

Z is for Ze end –Like the blues again, in that respect. I thank you.