The big screen adaptation of League Of Extraordinary Gentlemen is a far cry from the original Alan Moore/Kevin O’Neill comic book. Ignoring Moore’s rich storyline, wherein a host of super-powered characters from 19th-century adventure literature mix it up and kick some steampunk ass, and its involving and rewarding subtext, Stephen Norrington’s movie in fact owes more to such cinematic offal as Wild Wild West and The Avengers. Indeed, if not for the lavish amount of royalties heaped upon Messrs Moore and O’Neil one imagines both might be moved to tears upon seeing this awful piece of crap.

Sean Connery is Allan Quatermain; adventurer, great white hunter and leader of the league. He’s also the film’s executive producer, which perhaps explains the camera’s tendency to linger over his preposterous over-acting for so much of the proceedings. His performance here marks a notable departure from the usual bloated swagger we have come to expect in recent years in that it is much, much worse.

More hilarious than Connery’s scenery chewing antics perhaps are the special effects used to transform Jason Flemyng into the monstrous behemoth, Mr.Hyde. A poor choice for any acting role requiring even an ounce of stage-presence, Flemyng is further disadvantaged by having to wear what looks like a flesh-coloured ‘fat suit’ for much of the film. In addition to this, a pair of massively oversized sinewy forearms, presumably sculpted from polystyrene, appears to have been shoved up the arms of Hyde’s outsized coat so as to give the impression of a man magically transmogrified into a knuckle-dragging Neanderthal. Magical indeed. Those critics in the U.S. who have gushed that this DIY monstrosity is far superior to Ang Lee’s magnificent CGI Hulk are clearly in dire need of laser eye-surgery.

And the inadvertent comedy doesn’t end there. Stuart Townsend swishing around as Dorian Gray is about as convincing a dandy as a 2x4 plank of mahogany; Tony Curran’s performance as the Invisible Man is incomprehensibly banal; and Peta Wilson as Mina Murray, from Bram Stoker's Dracula doesn’t so much act as look perpetually startled throughout. Only Shane West and Naseeruddin Shah (playing Tom Sawyer and Captain Nemo respectively) seem at all comfortable in front of the camera, delivering their turgid, witless dialogue and performing relentless unnecessary fight scenes with relative ease.

About five minutes into the movie it becomes abundantly clear that script-writer James Robinson is in on the conspiracy too. He clearly regards the film’s potential audience as consisting primarily of morons and jack-asses who enjoy loud explosions. It is insulting enough when the careful explanation of Dr Jekyll’s unusual condition is handled in such a manner as to suggest the audience might never have heard of the character before, but the exposition of Mina Murray’s troubled history with a certain Transylvanian Count is handled so slowly and laboriously as to allow all but the mentally retarded time enough to catch on. And ludicrous plot devices such as Nemo’s mammoth, monolithic submarine traversing the narrow canals of Venice? And a futuristic convertible car in 1899? One that smashes through the stone archways and pillars of gothic cathedrals? Words fail me. I cannot express how immeasurably ridiculous this all is without repeatedly offending the online mongoloid community, who frankly will no doubt be just as appalled by this dreadful, dreadful movie as I am.

There is nothing even remotely positive that can be said about this movie. This is as bad as cinema gets. Ill conceived, poorly written, seemingly edited by a man out of his mind on speed and featuring some of the most truly offensive acting I’ve ever seen, League Of Extraordinary Gentlemen is another wretched comic book adaptation.

words: Shaun Macartney

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